I have been in
school for the past 18 years, straight.
Kindergarten was lovely, grades one through six were filled with hand stand
competitions, crushes and trading apples for gushers. High school was a blast,
and my undergrad went by way too quickly...
And now here I am
almost halfway through my Master’s degree in psychotherapy.
Am I prepared for
a profession where I will be working through the most intimate details of a
given person’s life? No. But will I ever be fully ready for the real life
hardships, joy, trauma, and mess that will come into my office everyday?
Probably not.
I am already
learning that people are extremely complex. I am learning that the thoughts and
actions that take place in private, the lived experiences, both good and bad,
vary so greatly and yet in some ways seem to relate to one another in a
mysterious, basic human capacity. We all feel, we all breathe in and breathe
out.
But as a budding
psychotherapist, there are a few things that I have learned about this
profession that seem so foundational to really just relate well to people.
Maybe you have people in your life that are difficult to deal with. Maybe you
are being faced with the hardships of others. Maybe you are a bit stuck with
all of the talk of mental illness that is on the forefront of every study,
political conversation, and news story. It is a complex subject, and you will
never be expected to be a therapist but there are some basic principles that
may be helpful in your everyday profession, conversations, and
relationships.
As I’ve been
reflecting on my past year of education, I have come up with five practical
lessons I have learned. Basic? Yes. Essential? Absolutely.
1// Don’t
interrupt
One of the most
generous things you can give to a person is the ability to talk openly. Have
you ever experienced this yourself? It is amazing how when you are given the
space to just talk, to speak what you are thinking out loud, how much clearer
things start to become. To have someone really listen to you, without
interruptions, and not try to push advice on you when you are finished is a
serious gift.
2// Resist
relating
One of the
biggest things I have learned this year is that as a therapist you don’t give advice. This was a bit of a
surprise to me! I feel that most people go into therapy hoping that the
therapist will tell them what to do! This is where being a therapist highly
differs from being a friend. Advice giving is encouraged in a friendship; it is
part of the conversation. The problem comes when people try desperately to relate to the problem, hardship, or
challenge that a friend is expressing. Take the words, “I know what you mean”
out of your vocabulary. There is a place for you to express to a friend that he
or she is not alone, that others have been in similar situations. But in that
moment, it is better to listen than to turn the conversation toward your experience, your time when, really just yourself.
3// Be
comfortable with the uncomfortable
When you are in a tough
place, you are likely not going to be comfortable. And if you are fortunate
enough to have someone expose to you the difficulties in his or her life, don’t
expect to be comfortable looking into it. People are going through things that
are messy and uncomfortable. Yet, it is in this place that truth can be found,
it is deep in the soil that seeds can be planted. Don’t try to shove them out
of it, but rather let them set the pace, walk alongside, journey with them.
4// Be gracious
It seems that too
often there is a perception around mental illness that if a person were to just
do A, B, or C they would be fine. Just get up and take a shower and you will
feel better. Just shake it off. Just forget about it. All of these things sound
great but in reality, it is not that easy. It is important that we are willing
to extend grace to the people we come in contact with, to have patience, to
encourage. Now, this is often easier said than done, but it is essential.
5// Seek God
I often find
myself sitting in Starbucks as I do work. In fact, I am sitting in Starbucks as
I write this. And it is absolutely amazing to me how many conversations I
overhear about God, both good and bad. People are curious, fighting, resisting,
questioning and discovering. Lives get changed over cups of coffee. I have seen
it happen in my own experience, but I seem to bear witness to it on a weekly
basis. The complexities of relationships are very real, especially when
hardships and difficulties come along. And yet, we have the opportunity and
ability to seek out peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self control from He who not only loves but actually is love itself. He is the great
counselor, the provider, and the healer. With everything I have learned, with
all of the challenges that come along with relationships, reliance on him is by
far the most essential component.
And so, whether
you find yourself as someone interested in the profession of therapy or just
trying to be a good friend, there are some things that I would call essential
to developing good relationships, and really, these are just a few. I have a
lot to learn, and I need to continue to stabilize my foundation. But as a
budding psychotherapist, I am excited to keep building.
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