Monday, 22 September 2014

A Restless Soul

The past several weeks have been full of change. Change of home, change of routine, change of seasons. I feel like much of my life can be summed up in that one-syllable, six-letter word: change.

And yet, eventually, one of these days, this change will become my new normal. I haven’t quite felt it in full yet, but I know it is on the horizon. It is like the changing of season. The colours still hold the green of summer and yet the rich oranges and reds are beginning to peek through.

But how do we adjust? How do we find a new rhythm? How do we find routine in newness?

I am learning that to do this well, I cannot and should not move too quickly. Living a life where days mesh together and weeks roll by on the calendar is not healthy. It is not beneficial. It is hardly purposeful.

Abiding by dates, schedules, and timelines may be necessary but it should not be the driving factor, the way of life. It should simply hold and help organize the life that we lead, not drive it.

Many days when Brandon picks me up from school or gets home from a meeting he says a simple phrase, “let’s go for a walk.” A break, a time of peace, a time to enjoy one another. And my answer is always the same, “Yes! But give me a second and let me finish...”

This answer eventually pushes the walk off... to later that day, tomorrow, or as we have experienced every time, never.

Too often we set aside the meaningful, treasured and important for the mundane, routine, and temporary. We place such high value on the emails, readings, and schedules that we miss out, we break down, we lose.

I don’t think I will ever come to the end of my life wishing that I sent more emails, ran more programs, or bought more groceries. I don’t think I will be too worried about the schedule on the wall at work, the dishes in the sink, or the shoes in the doorway.

Perhaps instead, my deepest desire will be for the days my husband would come home and ask for a walk.

I am learning very quickly that I cannot do everything and nor should I try.

And neither should you.

Life is full of learning curves. Before Brandon and I set off to a summer of changes and trials, a mentor of ours told us that change will reveal some of the most personal areas of pride, sin, and trials, ones that we may not have even noticed in our well-controlled daily routines.

And so it has.

Once you have been put through the ringer – emotionally, spiritually, physically – you come to the other side exhausted, but with slightly more understanding of who you really are and what it really means to be human. There is rawness there; there is fallibility.

You don’t have to try so hard. In whatever trial you are facing, you must remember that you will get through it.

The real challenge is what you do when you reach the other side.

I am now at a place amongst all of the craziness of life that I must find rest. My soul has been restless for too long. It is no longer optional. It is not a nice suggestion. It is not something that is just good to say.

It is time to take my husband up on his offer; it is time to go for a walk.

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